New |
Persistence |
Tremor |
Frustration |
Deficiencies |
Being In Charge |
God
Being Out There |
Girls |
Sex |
Frozen |
Two Types |
Starting Out |
Topsy Turvy |
My Words
Check out the Arclight Magazine article about my first book project
FROZEN -
Today is Valentine's Day, and I don't have one. I am thinking back many years ago when I had many. That was when I was a boy back in 4th, 5th, and 6th grade. I was always sure to get four or five Valentine cards over the day.
There was a group of about twelve of us, who would basically stick together. We had our little brown wood desks where we would keep our "stuff". Text books, note books, pencils and pens, erasers,and rulers we would cram in. I remember I had one of those bobble head Jets' football helmets I kept in my desk. We would all come to school with our six or seven cards addressed to that special boy or girl we like, and at recess or between classes we would exchange cards.
Whack! Now some twenty years later, I stand at a table in the middle of Nyack Library frozen with fear: I have a crush on the female Librarian. I am supposed to be shelving books; it is my job. But instead, I am thinking of what to say to this foxy looking Librarian. For crying out loud, it is Valentine's Day, and I do need a Valentine. Do I ask her if she has a boy friend, no that would sound desperate. I will ask her what her favorite restaurant is, and then ask her to go there with me. But if she has a boyfriend , or if she says no, I will be embarrassed. Rejection is my worst fear. If she did say no, I would feel that it meant there is something wrong with me.
My head injury has changed me in a way which makes me unaccepted by girls. So, this is how I handle it. I do nothing. This will prevent success or failure. Do nothing, and nothing will happen. I don't plan this, it just happens. I do continue to function and move, but my attention is focused on the Librarian. How do I ask her out without actually asking her out? After thirty minutes, I ask her what she is doing for Valentine's day. She tells me she is going out for dinner. I ask if it is her choice where to go, and she says it is mutual. Fine, question answered. She is going out with her boyfriend. Believe it or not, I am actually relieved. I don't feel disappointed that she has a boyfriend (well that too), but relieved that I didn't get rejected. Actually I would have been happier if she would have straight out asked me to go out to dinner with her. But I actually feel better by trying, and not being successful, than by not trying and not being successful.
It may sound so negative to expect failure, but then if I fail it won't be so tragic. I get to a point where failure can feel comforting. I don't like that. I am my own worst enemy. Failure isn't bad, and I must not be afraid of it. If you don't have failures, how would you know success. True?
Last night I had coffee with my friend Rich, and he does not seem to be any farther along the road to finding a mate as I am. He feels he will meet the girl of his dreams when the time is right. I asked him when will the time be right? He didn't know. He told me he really does not have any exposure to women. He lives with a bunch of guys. At work, all the girls seem to have boyfriends, or are married; Rich does not drive, so his chances are not great either. We all seem to be FROZEN.
|
